~In The Name of God, The Most Merciful, The Most Beneficent~
A. Infecting people with debilitating and life-threating terminal infections is categorically un-Islamic and is not within the sharia, creeping or otherwise.
B. Though you claim to represent the Muslims of the world, you do not observe the traditional morals of Islam, including infecting only those who do not wash their wounds.
C. Your name sounds funny. Ebola? I mean, it’s like you were trying to sound casual and friendly or something.
D. You look like a worm under a microscope, inappropriately displaying yourself without proper attire.
E. You have killed civilians and not just enemy combatants, such as anti-bodies and immune systems.
Open Letter to Ebola:
Having taken multiple innocent lives in the past couple of months, you continue to escalate your campaign against the world and its citizens without following any semblance of restraint or discretion.
Though you claim to have weakened immune systems in accordance with Islamic principles, you ignore several clear teachings of Islam, directed to all of those in a position of power over others.
You have affected several regions of the globe, spreading your creed by the cough instead of by your character and theology.
We, the undersigned Muslim scholars of the world, implore you and advise you to come back to the way of our religion and repent. You must cease your transgressions immediately and halt your humiliation of our beautiful religion. You must accept that you do not speak for the ummah, despite what Fox News says.
If you do not immediately change your ways and approach the spirit of your religion, you will be ostracized and defeated by Muslims who are on a path of mercy. We do not accept your dominion over us and reject your assertion and the assertion of countless clueless tea party senators and representatives that your actions represent “true Islam.”
You must resurrect your understanding of the ways of the companions, none of whom transmitted themselves virally through people at a staggering rate in Western Africa.